I cried a lot today

Most of the tears were therapeutic because I finally went to see a psychologist today in an effort to get help with my alcoholism.  Of course, I had to give him the whole back story of my life which came with a bunch of crying.  I think he will be helpful in getting me back on track and he even encouraged me to talk with my sister who has also gone through some counselling and has been sober for years.  It was a great talk with her, and it encouraged me to continue with the sessions.  I was relieved to feel a bit more normal after both conversations.

I hit the gym today and did 5 miles and last night did not have the same back pain as before.  I think I figured out the right amount of incline on the treadmill, stretching, abdominal work and use of the foam roller to stay pain free, but we will see as the miles increase.  Here’s hoping!

I’m off to San Francisco for the rest of the week for a business trip and am excited about my new job, and the opportunity to get out of the 100 degree heat for a few days.  The only down side is that our company is hosting two wine tasting networking events, so it remains to be seen if I can abstain through the week or not.

Wish me luck…

It feels like Sunday

I love long weekends, but you would think that you would get so much more done and inevitably just create more chores for yourself.  I went looking for a ruler in my daughter’s room yesterday and ended up cleaning out her closet and nightstand.  Then I spent hours working on a photo collage project for my daughter’s senior yearbook.  Five hours later the whole day had passed and I barely got to cleaning my closet, which is on the agenda for today.

But first things first, I am already in my gym clothes and I’m heading out to the gym soon to get my run done.  I am once again 24 hours sober and giving sobriety another try.  Wish me luck…

I fell off the wagon last night

With the kids out of town and my only two girlfriends busy, I was bored last night.  Boredome is my worst enemy when it comes to drinking and I managed to convince myself that I had been so good over the last four days without alcohol, and that it was a long weekend, excuse, excuse, excuse…that it was ok for me to drink some wine with the pizza I decided to have for dinner.

Well knowing me I ended up drinking the whole bottle while eating potato chips and watching movies and somewhere in the back of my mind I knew I would.  I am one of those people that figures it is better to drink the whole bottle in one sitting and be done with it, rather than just have a glass or two over a couple of days which is supposed to be healthier for you.  But it’s obvious that I’m not that worried about health, otherwise I wouldn’t keep finding excuses.

I have a mild headache today, actually my morning coffee is relieving most of that, and I fully anticipate to be heading to the gym and cleaning out my closet later.  I’ve given myself a short list of things to do today so that I don’t get bored again by tonight.  We’ll see how it goes.

I’m back to sobriety day 0.

wish me luck…

I dreamt I was on a date with George Clooney in Italy last night

I certainly didn’t want to get out of bed this morning after that dream, and it made me happy for the morning.  However, I had to get my son out of bed as we were heading to the airport in 30 minutes to get him and my daughter on a plane to California to see their father for the weekend.  I’m always anxious on the days that they fly, even though they are 17 and 15 years old, and have done it so many times.  But today my nervousness was aided by the fact that I knew a secret that they were yet to learn.

You see their father called me last week and felt he should be the one to tell me that they were expecting another child (totally unplanned), their third.  I was actually a little pissed off that he told me first and that I had to keep that secret from the kids for a week.  But the main reason I am not happy about this child is the timing.  For a father that wasn’t there for most of my children’s events because he was so busy earning all of his millions of dollars, I had also just found out that he was about to retire later this year.  No small feat for a man of 44 years, and for some dumb reason I thought that would allow him more time to spend with his already, almost grown children.  I believe that my son felt this way as well, and so, I am dreading to hear about their reaction to this new half-sibling on the way.  I am sure I will hear all about it on Monday and will once again have to reassure my children that they are not built in babysitters (as they have felt that way in the past).

So after dropping the kids at the airport I went and let it all out at the hair salon, while my stylist sided with me.  She’s the best and my hair color turned out amazing as well.  I managed to hit up a few consignment shops on the way home and even though I didn’t think I needed anything, I ended up with a great pair of shoes, some boots, a new handbag and a couple of sweaters.  I convinced myself I was planning for the fall, however there may have been a little retail therapy in there somewhere!

My dog ate the garbage and made me want to have a drink

The good news is that I found the garbage after getting home from a 4 mile run and stretching at the gym, so I was happy about that. However, the array of coffee grinds, tampon wrappers and what was left of a stainless steel pot scrubber strewn down the hall and into the dining room made me scream. I immediately had a craving for a glass of wine which is a clear indicator that stress is a major trigger for me and another area that I need to try to control. I’m thinking of trying some yoga in the next few weeks.

Well now my head hurts from yellling (yes I did yell a lot at the dog but at least I didn’t hit her), and probably due to the fact that I just ran and haven’t had anything to eat yet so I bet my blood sugar is low. I’m off to have some juice while I cook up some dinner.

I have some happy endorphins left over from my run, so I think it’s gonna be an ok night. Let’s see how the rest of the weekend goes.

Wish me luck…

My alarm clock went off but I didn’t hear it

Apparently I need a new clock.  The one morning that I was supposed to be up early is the one that my cat decides to lay low and not wake me up.  I woke up 15 minutes after my conference call started, and when I checked my clock the clock radio was on, however, the volume was so low I couldn’t hear it.  I decided to bail all together on the call and went back to sleep until 7:45.  When I awoke I noticed that for the first time in weeks my back wasn’t hurting.  I wondered if the alcohol dehydration was adding to that problem as well.  I still was congested and pretty tired since it was actually grey outside for a change.  The weather had turned and I saw a few tiny, straggling raindrops hitting the pool and the deck.  Even though it was an overcast day I was excited that it wasn’t going to be super hot for a change.  That was enough to motivate me to actually shower up and get dressed for work today.  Maybe day 3 of sobriety was also relieving some of the depressive symptoms I had previously, like the not wanting to get dressed, go anywhere or do anything.

I felt pretty good this morning, and found that I was much more hungry today than the last few days.  I guess the drop in alcoholic calories was the cause.  I did actually weigh myself this morning, but not wanting to get caught up in the daily weight game yo-yo, I decided that I would only check in every week or so.  Today I was down 1 pound.  Not bad for the first 3 days of not drinking, and I was hoping to get down 2 pounds a week prior to the marathon.  They say every 5 pounds adds 5 minutes to your running time, so losing weight is definitely on my mind as well but I want to put my focus on the sobriety part, and not worry about dieting at the same time.  I think that would be too hard at this point.  I know that if I don’t drink, I don’t crave the junk food as much, so that in itself should help with the weight loss.  But one day at a time.  Today is Friday before the long weekend and I’m worried about getting through it without getting bored and wanting to drink.  I’ve got to get out of the house and socialize but it seems like everyone is busy this weekend.  Maybe I’ll head up to Sedona or Flagstaff for the day.  We’ll see.

Wish me luck…

Day 2 of sobriety sucked

My head was definitely not in the game today, and I’m thinking withdrawal has something to do with it.  My headache became unbearable by about 10 am and I had to resort to taking Advil and trying to hydrate as much as possible.  Not that that is an easy event when you live in Phoenix and we are having the hottest August ever on record.  Let me emphasize this again, it’s not that we are having ONE of the hottest August’s for temperature, we are having THE hottest, EVER recorded August since they began taking weather history!

So that being said, I felt like crap pretty much all of the day and by 3pm I had fallen asleep on the couch.  I have the luxury of working from home, which has been both a blessing and a curse.  On one hand, I get to roll out of bed, throw on some gym shorts and drink my coffee without having to do the whole hair and makeup thing.  On the other hand, I have to constantly avoid being distracted by the dogs, the cat, the laundry or today the pool guy!

Anyhow, the nap seemed to help a bit and now I’m starving so am broiling up a bunch of hot wings.  Only problem is that nothing goes better with hot wings than an ice cold beer and I’m having to fight the craving to go out a buy a six pack.  Luckily the heat is my deterent today and I’m resigned to stay indoors.  That didn’t bode well for any exercise, but perhaps in another hour or two when the sun starts to set I can get outside for another walk tonight.  Gotta work my way back to running soon!

Wish me luck…

I hate waking up before my alarm goes off!

Last night I woke up twice.  Once to use the restroom and then at 5:30 am because of my back pain again.  I went for a walk last night after dinner to get out of the house and I knew I should have stretched after but I forgot.  So there I was shifting around to see if I could find a position without pain, and all I seemed to do was let my cat know that I was awake which she thought meant it was time to play.  I had to put her out of my room, and climbed back into bed.  It was too early to work, I don’t usually start until 8:00, and having been up once before in the night I felt like I hadn’t gotten enough sleep.  The only position that seemed to give me any relief was curled up in the fetal position, with my knees tucked up under my chin and the pillow between my knees again.  I dozed off again, only to wake to a crying cat outside my door.  I ignored her until she went away again. 

It never seems to be a good idea to go back to bed when you wake up like that.  I always seem to feel worse, and now I was keenly aware of my congested nose and headache.  Having been sober now for more than 24 hours, I was wondering if I would have any sort of detox symptoms.  I anticipated the headache, but I didn’t think I would still be congested.  My son was recovering from a miserable cold last week and now I am wondering if I am fighting that too.  Hopefully my morning coffee will make me feel better, so I have climbed out of bed to start the day.

Wish me luck…

What the heck is wrong with me?

It was 4:30 am when I woke up this morning, nose stuffed up because even though I know I get congested from drinking wine it didn’t stop me from consuming the entire bottle of Pinot Grigio last night.  My back was aching again which is what woke me up last night, actually every night for the last 2 months for that matter, and I shifted around tucking pillows between my knees, under my legs, trying to find a position that would lessen the pain. 

I was wide awake and my mind started churning.  What the heck is wrong with me??  I know the reason that I am in so much pain is that I am now carrying an extra 25 pounds of weight on my body.  Weight that I put on over the last two years from my drinking and subsequent potato chip eating.  It started out pretty innocently, only drinking on weekends or the occassional Thursday night, but now things have progressed to an every day affair and the fact that I can finish an entire bottle of wine and still function in the morning makes me believe that I am heading for trouble.

The thing is, that up until last night I couldn’t find the empathy to care.  I just didn’t give a shit.  I am a fully functional alcoholic, never missing work or any of the kids school events.  Always home to cook dinner and help with homework.  Yet I know that this can’t be good.  In fact, both sides of my family have a strong history of alcoholism and my siblings, cousins, Aunts and Uncles all drink regularly.  They brew their own wine for crying out loud!  So it was incredibly hard for me to admit that I have a problem, in fact I don’t view it as a problem, I just know that I want to quit.  In fact I had signed up for the Malibu Marathon two months ago and even though my initial training went well (while continuing to drink), it is apparent that I can’t continue without cutting out the alcohol.

So today is the day that I begin.  I am hoping that writing my daily thoughts will help me heal and keep me focused on the task at hand.  I don’t know why but I feel that if I can put it on paper that I have some responsibility to own up to it.  I have 10 weeks til the Marathon, so wish me luck!  Here we go…